


scars

by vminange



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-01-28 21:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21398839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vminange/pseuds/vminange
Summary: the one where tyler thinks is a monster, and josh is ready to give him the world to prove him wrong.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35
Collections: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beyondmythoughts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyondmythoughts/gifts).

> hi this was supposed to be a one shot but im struggling so im gonna make it into 2 parts thanks for lois they helped me so much with this fic and i love them and miss them so bad anyway enjoy. this is mostly a mess of feelings

bandages are covering his face, shielding him and protecting him from the world, bringing some sense of security in this awful hospital room. 

they say it's good, it's healing, they have to take them off. 

"you can't stay hidden forever tyler, we need to take them off." his mom says, worry tracing the edge of her mouth. 

he doesn't want them to take the bandages off, he tries to voice his thoughts, but he hasn't used his voice in what feels like years. it doesn't matter anymore. 

he feels the bandages being taken off of him, his skin feeling as if it was being peeled off with it. he wants to scream and cry, he thinks he's actually doing it but he doesn't remember. he fades into blackness instead because that's easier. 

he wakes up to his mother sobbing next to his bed. it's been the same for the past few months since the accident. 

she's sobbing like he's dead, maybe in a way he is. he knows he will never be the same. 

*

it's been two months. his skin is still red. it looks jagged and horrific. he won’t look at himself because the disgusted glances people shoot at him are enough. 

"tyler it's time to go back to work." his mom says. 

she hesitates, before adding: “you can't hide forever." 

"it's your face, you can’t escape it." she says. 

tyler lies in his bed, he runs his fingers against his face and cries. he wishes he was dead. 

*

this morning when he wakes up, he tells himself he’s ready. 

when he sees his face in the bathroom, he second guesses leaving. 

he stares at himself, pupils dilated. half of his face is burned. they told him he was lucky that it was only half of his face. he doesn't feel lucky at all. there's burn marks all over his body. different shades and textures coat over him like a layer of chipped paint that’s going to stick on you forever. he wishes he was dead. 

*

it's been four months since he got out of the hospital. he doesn't do much, he mostly watches videos on youtube and cries. his mother comes to his apartment every few days to bring him groceries. 

"tyler it's the last time i'm bringing these over."

he doesn’t respond. 

"you can't just stay locked up in your apartment. it's not healthy tyler, you need to get a job again, pay your bills and go shopping."

he doesn't know what to say. he knows she's right. what can he say?

"please tyler, answer me. talk to me, it's been months. you're not dead." she's crying as she almost screams those words at him. 

he starts to cry too. how he's supposed to tell her that he feels dead inside, and waking up with his face everyday makes him want to drown himself in his own tears. 

he doesn't try to explain this to her. he hugs her instead, trying to soothe them both somehow. 

*

the next day he wakes up at a reasonable hour, he takes this as a good sign. 

he doesn't look at himself in the mirror when he brushes his teeth, he closes his eyes, darkness is better than the face in front of him. 

he thinks that maybe he could try to go to the grocery store. 

after all he can't hide forever. 

his mom is clever. she only brought him half of what he needs. he finds himself without toilet paper and toothpaste. he thinks about using only tissues and mouthwash but that's a line he won't allow himself to cross. 

he puts on a big sweater and flips the hood over his head. it's safer like this. 

he finds himself walking to the local grocery store at the end of the street. 

the store is not really crowded, but he feels like everyone is looking at him already. 

he keeps his head low, his hands digging holes into his pockets. 

he feels like he's about to pass out. he's walking fast, only looking at his feet. 

he finally arrives to the necessities aisle. a woman and a child are there. his head is getting dizzy. he wants to leave but before he can move the little boy looks at him. the kid's eyes are stuck on his face. he wishes to be turned into dust. 

surprise strikes him when the child smiles at him and give him a little wave. his eyes water as he waves back. the mother turned to see what her kid was doing. she looks horrified once she sees his face, she takes her son’s hands and almost runs out of the aisle, lecturing her child about talking to strangers. 

he thinks it's dumb since the kid didn't even talk to him. his face must have done the talking. 

he takes a minute to collect himself. 

after taking a strong mint toothpaste off the pasty white shelf, he doesn’t have an encounter with another human being. he thanks god for that. now he's now obligated to face the impossible. 

he's walking slowly toward the cashier, his feet seemingly sticking to the tile floor he's about to turn into liquid right there, in the middle of a shitty local grocery store. 

there's only one cashier. his hair is yellow. 

he slowly puts his purchases on the conveyor belt, hands shaking with anticipation. 

when it's time to face yellow hair, he feels like he's dying. he feels like dying more than not these days. 

"hello, sir." yellow hair says. his voice is warm and his smile his blinding. his name tag says josh. 

"hello." his voice sounds rough, like he hasn't used it in years. which is almost true, he almost hasn’t talked since the accident. 

josh is scanning the items and looks into his eyes, he can see his face even with the hood. he's waiting for the disgust to paint itself over josh's face, but it doesn't happen, he can see surprise but there's no disgust. 

"that will cost you twelve dollars, how do you wanna pay sir?" 

his voice is shaky when he answers. he wants to punch himself. 

"by credit card, please."

josh nods and gestures for him to put his credit card in the chip reader. 

he has to take his hands out of his pockets now, he has no way to protect himself anymore. he stayed there, staring at josh's yellow hair for a second, gathering courage to take his hands out of his pockets. his hands are even uglier than his face. 

when he takes his hands out, he feels like he just ran a marathon without stopping once. 

it's so dumb. all of this is dumb. he's so dumb. he hates everything about himself. 

he finally pays and try not to sob.

josh hands him his receipt and he takes it, careful to not make contact with josh's skin. he already saw how much of a monster he is, he doesn't need to feel it. 

"have a good day sir!" josh’s voice sound like bells and he flashes another blinding smile. 

he storms off, without saying anything, he feels like sleeping for years. 

*

when he's back at his apartment he does just that. he doesn't even change. he lies face first on his bed and close his eyes, hoping he won’t have to open them again. 

he slept for 11 hours. it's 1am when he wakes up, he hates himself for his poor life decisions.

he fixes himself some cereal and decides to watch some shitty cartoons on a random channel. he's not even looking or paying attention. he's drowning in his own head instead. 

his head is filled with yellow and blinding smiles. he hates it.  
*

it's been six months since he got out of the hospital. 

it's been two months since his mom last visited him with groceries and a warm meal.

it's been two months since he goes grocery shopping every friday.

it's been two months since he sees josh weekly. 

josh is always beaming, always glowing. 

it makes his heart beats faster, a lot faster than it should. 

*

it's friday. he doesn't necessarily need to go to the grocery store every week, but it's routine by now. it's the only way he gets out of the house.

he thinks about calling his mother. he doesn't. 

he pretends that he doesn't dream about josh at night. it makes him want to sob. no one will ever love him now, he used to be so beautiful, now he's a monster. 

he stares at himself in the mirror once again. he's naked and can see every inch of disgusting burned skin. his face and hands are the worst. he hates it. he hates it so much. he wishes he had died in that stupid accident. it's all his fault.

he's sobbing his heart out, he's a monster. he wonders what josh sees when he looks at him and cries harder. 

he curled in a ball on the floor. he tugs at his hair. he wishes to be dead more than anything. 

he falls asleep on the bathroom floor, he's not going to grocery store today. 

*

the money is getting short. if he doesn't find a job, he won't be able to pay rent anymore. he thinks about applying to his old job again. but they have a dress code and his face will be on full display all the time. 

most of his ex colleagues and friends didn't contact him after the accident. it's like he disappeared. he gets it. who will want a monster in their life anyway?

he thinks about calling his mother. he doesn't. she will only lecture him and that’s not what he needs at the moment. 

he puts on his hood and decides to go see at his old job. 

it's just like he remembers. the facade has a guitar on it, and the name is still in the same font as it was before the accident. the world is still turning without him, and he doesn't know what to think about that. 

he takes a deep breath before opening the door and facing his fate. 

mark is at the counter. he used to help the client find the records they were looking for. a wave of sadness and nostalgia hits him. 

when he gets closer to the counter mark lifts his head. when their eyes meet each other, mark gasps. he does the most surprising thing. he runs to him and hugs him. he stays with his arms on his side just for a second before wrapping them around mark. he tries his best to not let the tears in his eyes fall.

he hasn't been hugged or touched by anyone besides his mother in 6 months. he didn't know how touch starved he was before this moment. 

mark pulls away from the hug, tears in his own eyes. thank god there's not a customer in sight. 

"how are you doing? it's been so long. i wanted to call but i didn't want to intrude. i've been missing you so much dude." mark's voice is wavering as he spills this words as fast as he can. 

"i'm trying my best." are the only words that he can come up with at the moment. mark hasn't said anything about the burning scars on his face and hands. he expected some comments but mark is acting like it isn't there and he's relieved. 

"i'm glad you are dude." it gets awkward there. he's trying his best to gather the courage to ask mark what he wants without meeting his eyes. 

"can i ask you something?" he really doesn't know how to bring this. 

"of course you can dude" 

"do you know if i could get my old job back?"

mark face falls at that. 

"i'm honestly not really sure if that's possible tyler" mark sigh. "it has nothing to do with your face, i promise. it's just… tyler it's been a year, someone has already replaced you." the expression on his face is a pained one. like he's been forced to say this. 

he nods his head. there's nothing to say. 

he saw the sign on the door saying they were searching for employees. he's not dumb but sometimes it's good to pretend that he is. 

"that's okay. thanks." he whisper those words, defeated. 

"text me if you need anything."

he nods once again. he knows he won't text him or call him but pretending is easier. 

*

he almost runs back home. there's tears in his eyes and a heavy weight on his chest. the elevator has been broken for weeks, but he still pushes the button. he's too exhausted to walk the stairs. 

he sighs in relief when the elevator goes down to the first floor. 

the doors open with a 'ting', and what he sees inside almost make him fall over. 

yellow. 

he thinks he's hallucinating. it's not possible, it's not real. 

"hello!" 

out of nowhere he starts sobbing, full on ugly and throat racking sobs. 

"dude, are you alright?.”

when he doesn’t respond josh hovers his hand over the elevator door, holding it open. “come on in." 

josh's voice is so soft it makes his bones ache.

he finally gets in the elevator, hands covering his face, his chest shaking. 

he feels so pathetic. he's so dumb. he feels useless. 

"hey, what floor are you going to?”

"fourth.” his voice comes out in a raspy whisper. even his voice is disgusting. 

"that's where i'm going too!" josh sounds overjoyed. he wants to combust.

its uncomfortable. he's just standing, biting his lips like a maniac to keep his sobs at bay. josh watches him worriedly, confusion tracing on his face. he can see that josh wants to say something. but he doesn't until they reach their floor. 

"do you need anything? you look like you might need help."

"they didn't let me have the job. nobody wants a monster working for them.” 

tyler lets his mouth run. he doesn't really know why, he's just so weak and tired. his heart is broken like glass and he wants everything to end. 

he's not sure if josh can understand what he's saying. it doesn't matter. he just needs to let it out. 

"nobody will love me now… not when i'm a monster. no one can look at me anymore without feeling disgusted or afraid like i could hurt them. i'm so tired of not being able to get out of my apartment anymore, fearing people, fearing myself. i'm tired of living in pain and fear all the time.”

he caught his breath before adding: “i don't even know you and i'm here spilling my guts to you. i never thought i would get this low i'm so sorry.” 

his voice is altered by his sobs and it sounds like a squeak. he hasn't used his voice for so long, his throat is on fire and he feels dizzy and pathetic. he can't believe he just spilled his guts to a complete stranger. he just wants to remove himself from the world. 

"hey, come on breath, it's okay. you're not low for speaking to me. you seem like you need something warm to drink and someone to talk to."

he looks up at josh in confusion. josh looks strangely calm. his voice steady and deep, making his chest ramble. 

"you could come to my apartment? i will make you some hot chocolate or something, and we could watch tv or just talk if you want?" 

a pause. they both stare before josh adds rapidly with a pained face. 

"i promise you i'm not a creep. i've just seen you around a lot and i think you deserve a break and someone to talk to."

he doesn't really know what to say to this. he's so touched he might start to sob again. josh is bright and yellow. josh is so sweet he could die, he's so tired of being alone and josh seems sincere and so sweet. 

"i wouldn't be against some hot chocolate."

his voice is rough and disgusting but josh smiles so big, he feels his heart fly between his ribcage. he knows he will hate himself so long for this. 

"come on, i will lead the way!" 

josh's appartement radiate warmth. it feels homey and soft. it's tiny and the adjustment looks just like his apartment but the way it's decorated makes it much more comfortable. 

"you can sit on the couch! i will warm up the chocolate."

josh is always smiling and full of joy. it reminds him of sunshine and sunflower. he asks himself how he does it. 

he's timidly walking to the couch, while josh is making his way into the open kitchenette aéra.

the couch looks comfy like a cloud, and the tv in front of it is not too big or too small. it's similar to his own tv.

he sits at the end of the couch, at the armchair. trying to make himself as tiny as possible, his hood still covering his head. he close his eyes and tries to breath. it's safer this way. 

he might have lost himself in his own head cause when he looks up, josh is sitting next to him with two cups of warm chocolate in each hand. 

all of this is so surreal he doesn't know how he ended up here. it doesn't feel like reality. these past months have been feeling like hell, he doesn't know if he's strong enough to get through all of that. maybe josh is right, he needs a friend and a therapist too probably. 

josh beams at him. he hides his face. 

"is there any movie you want to watch?" 

he will never get over how sweet josh's voice is. 

"no, don't worry watch whatever you want."

josh nods and turn the tv on. he puts up netflix and go through the movie section. 

"are you in the mood to cry, to laugh, be scared, or talk about what's bothering you?" a pause "you're not obligated to talk of course. we can just watch a movie and let emotions out like that."

he takes some time to react to this. he's tired, feeling like a monster and a piece of shit. he's angry. so angry. 

"they didn't let me have my old job at guitar center. they said it's not because of my face, but i know everything is about my face. i hate it, it's fucking disgusting and i hate it."

his voice is full of anger and frustration, stronger than it ever had been since the accident. 

josh's face show surprise when he's feeling bold enough to look josh in the eyes for the first since they saw each other, he remembers josh doesn't know his name. 

he clears his throat, embarrassed by that fact. 

"my name is tyler by the way, i should have told you that before exploding like that."

josh lets out a little laugh at that, shaking his head. 

"well, tyler nice to meet you! i'm josh." the way his name sounds on josh's tongue makes him feel dizzy. "i think people at guitar center are jerks. it probably won't change what you think, but i don't think your face is disgusting."

he doesn't really know what to answer to this. he feels tears will up in his eyes. 

"you really don't need to pretend. i know i'm an ugly monster. everybody thinks so."

josh's hands twitch at his side. 

"can i touch your hand?" josh's voice is so soft when he ask that. it sound so safe. he wants to say yes but there's this part in his brain, telling him josh will be disgusted if he ever get to feel how much of a monster he is. 

he lets out a sob. 

"i don't want you to feel disgusted." he somehow managed to squeak out. 

"hey tyler, look at me. i will not be disgusted, you're not disgusting. i wanna hold your hand."

his tears are leaking like a faucet. he wants it, he wants it so bad, but he's so scared. 

"i want it so bad, but i'm so scared." he lets out, like a whisper, soft and fragile. 

"it's okay, you don't need to say yes. i will never force you, just know that i will never find you disgusting. never tyler."

he sighs.

"you're not a monster. you're tyler."

he looks into josh's eyes. they're so warm and soft. they own a billion of beautiful stars and galaxies, he wants to drown in them and find himself there. he's so overwhelmed by what he feels that he lets his body controls him and shut his brain off.

before he knows it his arms are wrapping themselves around josh's bold shoulder. josh makes a surprised sound but doesn't push him off.

josh puts his arms around him and holds him. his head is tucked into josh's neck, where he can smell his cologne, and let his tears falls. he pretends he's in another world where he will have the chance to call this home. 

josh is shushing him, whispering soft and kind words to him, making him calm down. 

one hand is rubbing his back. the other on his resting on his hood, not pulling or anything, just resting there. it gives him comfort. 

once he finally calms down, he let go of josh. he knows josh can see his face fully right now, he can see all of the burned skin and the scars of his soul hiding in his eyes. not only his skin have scars. 

they're just looking each other in the eyes. unsure of what really is a good thing to say or do. 

he broke eye contact as he takes the hot chocolate and drinks it. he still can feel the tears in his eyes, he tries to ignore it. 

"i'm sorry." he whispers. 

"don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. i should be the one apologizing for overwhelming you. i'm sorry tyler."

josh is so sweet. he close his eyes. 

"you asked, that's already so much." he feels exhausted. 

josh looks at him with soft eyes. they say sorry in a way that words never could. 

"if you really need a job, i might know someone who can give you one."

that peaks his interest. 

"what is it about?" 

josh smiles at him. 

"i have my friend, ashley, she owns a tattoo parlor, and it's starting to do some number. she's searching for an assistant to help her around. she's an amazing person you will like her i'm sure."

"where is the tattoo parlor?" 

"it's not too far from here it's like, 20 minutes on foot. you can't miss it, it has "badlands" written on it in neon pink."

he starts to think about it. it doesn't sound like a bad idea. 

"i can call her to talk about you, and we can go see her tomorrow if you're okay with it?" 

the idea sounds appealing; he's trying his best to fight the voice inside him, telling him she will never accept a monster working for her. 

"yeah, that's a good idea." 

he hopes his voice doesn't show how scared he is. 

josh beams at him, he can't help but smile back.


	2. Chapter 2

when he gets ready the next day, he tries not to stare at his face and his hands. he puts on some 80's music to cheer himself up and finds himself singing and dancing around in his bathroom. 

he doesn't know where this wave of happiness and joyful feeling is coming from but he's not complaining. 

maybe it's time to become himself again. 

last night he gave josh his apartment number. josh said he would come get him when his shift at the grocery store is over. 

josh is beautiful and so nice. most of the time his eyes speak louder than his words, he often found himself drowning in josh's eyes. they're beautiful. he wishes he was beautiful enough to be worthy of josh's eyes looking at him. 

he finally puts his hood over his head. promising himself that everything is going to be okay. 

a few hours later he hears a soft knock on his door. he stop singing at the top of his lungs with embarrassment.

when he opens the door, he finds josh dressed with a beanie covering his yellow hair, a black ripped jeans, some combat boots and a nasa shirt with a camouflage jacket. he feels the air leave his lungs. josh looks beautiful, he can feel his cheeks heating up as josh flashes him a smile. 

"good taste in music i see," josh greets him while "like a prayer" by madonna is blasting in the background. 

if his burned cheeks could blush, it would be crimson red by now. 

josh let out a little giggle seeing his embarrassment. 

"don't worry, madonna has this effect on everyone."

he lets out a giggle, covering his mouth with his hand. he hasn't giggled since what feels like forever.

"do you wanna go on foot or take my car?" 

his body goes stiff in a second. the simple mention of a car is enough to make his brain shake. 

"on foot, please." his voice still sounds rough, he's still not used to it. 

josh seems to catch onto his distress. he gives him a reassuring smile. 

it sounds cliché but he feels safe. 

*

the walk to go to the tattoo parlor is not too long. it's enough time for him to second guess everything, he feels like running back to his apartment and sobbing for the next thirty years. 

he tears holes in the pocket of his hoodie instead. 

"BADLANDS" is written in big bold letters. it's neon pink. he asks himself why such a name before josh opens the door. 

a girl with long blue hair is at the front desk. she looks concentrated on whatever she's looking at. 

her whole face lights up when she sees josh. he can't help but notice how beautiful she is. there's a weird pang in his chest as he watches her wrap her arms around josh's neck and cling into him. he internally shakes his head at himself, he's so laughable. 

"josh! it's been so long. i missed you!" 

her voice is soothing and raspy. the kind of voice you want to listen to forever. 

josh lets out a laugh. 

"i missed you too, ash!" there's a pause where he just stays behind and watches them. he feels dumb about the jealous feeling inside of his chest. josh's arms looks so warm and safe. 

ashley seems to finally notice that he's there. she smiles at him, somehow shy. 

"hi, you must be tyler? josh told me about you. it's nice to meet you." her voice is softer than before. that's good, if she were to speak any louder, he might break. 

"hello." his voice comes out as a squeak. anxiety is gonna kill him one day, he's sure. 

things go much better than he thought it would. josh takes the lead when he sees him struggling, ashley is really nice and doesn't comment on his face. the hood is still there, it's a protection, it makes him feel safer. safe is good. 

"what i would like for you to do is basically answer the phone and take appointments for me. i might ask you some other stuff once we know each other better. don't worry, you can always tell me if you feel uncomfortable with whatever i'm asking you. your safety and boundaries are important." she seems excited, she talks a lot with her hands, she's full of energy and life. he needs to feel alive too.

"damn, ash, calm down, he didn't even said 'yes' yet." 

he rolls his eyes. before he can control his mouth, the words are out. 

"don't be jealous, josh."

josh looks at him with surprise and something else. he's scared to think about what that something else might be. josh flashes him a smile, he can hear ashley laugh through the blood rushing in his ears. 

"i didn't expect you to be the sassy kind, tyler!" 

he lets himself smile. it's been so long, it feels good to smile. 

"when will i start?"

she smiles brightly at him. "you can come up tomorrow. be there at 9am."

"i will. thank you so much."

"don't thank me, it's nothing. see you tomorrow!" 

"see you tomorrow." 

*

"i'm proud of you." josh's voice rang in his ears. 

he stops in his tracks and looks at josh. they both stop walking and just look at each other. 

he can't help but smile when he sees how warm josh's eyes look. his eyes scream that he's sincere and telling the truth. 

"there's nothing to be proud of, really." a shy smile crept onto his lips. 

"you did amazing, tyler, that's something to be proud of." 

the way josh is looking at him makes him want to burst into tears. his eyes are so soft, so warm.

he can feel his non-burned cheek heat up, he tries to lower his head to hide it, but judging by how josh smiles, it doesn't work. 

"thank you." he whispers it softly, scared that if he speaks any louder, all the feelings built up in his chest will be heard. 

they both start walking again after this soft moment. he can feel the warmth inside of his ribcage, it's a soft and safe feeling. he feels guilty for it but he doesn't want to let it go. 

*

"do you wanna come in? i can make you some hot chocolate again, if you want?" 

josh still has this look that he can't seem to put his finger on, it makes him feel warm from head to toe. 

"yeah, i would like that." he has to stop himself from smiling. 

the warmth of josh's apartment surrounds him once again, nothing changed since yesterday. he sits himself at the same place on the couch, bringing his knees to his chest. he's safe, he's at josh's house. it's soft and warm, like josh. 

"what did you think about ashley and her proposition?"

he jumps out of his skin, a faint squeak leaving his mouth. he's so embarrassed he can feel his whole body heat up. he buries his head into his knees, shaking it lightly.

"i'm sorry tyler i didn't want to scare you, are you okay?" 

josh's voice sounds genuinely worried, he looks up and sees the worry in josh's eyes. he registers that josh can probably see his face fully, the hood had fell in his fright. panic strikes him as he realizes that he knows that josh probably saw it already, even with the hood, but the hood is like a safety blanket, like the bandages that used to shield him in his hospital room. the bandages aren't here anymore, the hood isn't here anymore. he's not safe, he has nothing to protect himself and feel safe in. 

the most coherent thing to do at the moment is to put his hood back up and act like nothing happened, his thoughts are very far from coherent. he starts sobbing, heart and throat wrenching sobs that surprise them both. his arms are covering his face, his hands touching the baby hair on the back of his head. they told him he was lucky his hair didn't burn, he doesn't feel lucky. 

"hey, tyler, breathe, you're okay." he can hear josh's voice faintly with how much he's shaking and sobbing. he's losing it, he doesn't feel okay, he's asking himself if he will ever be okay now. 

"the hood… can't be safe without it," he managed to let out between sobs. the more rational part of his brain screams at him to put his hood back on but his body is in total panic. he's shaking so hard, but he can't move, it feels like he's dying. 

"i need you to listen to me, tyler, i'm going to put your hood back on your head. i might touch you in the process and i want you to be aware of it. i don't know if you can give me verbal consent right now. if you can't, nod to tell me it's okay." josh's voice is steady, demanding but not commending.

he nods to the best of his ability, feeling so pathetic. 

"i'm doing it now."

he feels the soft fabric of his hood against his skull and the slight brushes of josh's hand against his ear. it makes him shake harder than before with some unknown emotion.

josh is sitting next to him, not touching him and giving him space. he's so grateful for that. 

he starts to calm down slowly, his chest still heaving with sobs. he hasn't cried like that since that morning in his bathroom. he's completely drained, the exhaustion he's feeling making itself at home in his bones. it's too heavy to carry for him. 

"are you feeling better, tyler?" 

josh's voice is so soft. he closes his eyes and basks in the safety of josh voice for a minute. 

"i'm so sorry." his voice is muffled by his arms still covering his head. he still hasn't moved an inch. 

"don't be sorry, tyler, you've had a big day. i'm so proud of you."

he's so tired, he can barely move, all he feels is exhaustion and josh's warm voice slipping through his bones. he lets out a soft sigh, letting the words comfort him for a minute. 

thank you, he thinks, too drained to even speak. 

"tyler, can i hug you right now?" 

he starts to shake again, he wants it, he wants it so much, he feels like he needs it at the moment. 

yes, please, he thinks but doesn't have the strength to say it. he nods almost frantically. ever since they first hugged, he has been longing for some sort of touch. 

he shuts off the part of his brain that tells him josh will be disgusted. he wants to enjoy this, he wants to let himself live. he wants to try to be happy for once. 

he feels josh's arms surrounding him. he shifts himself so that he can bury his face in the crock of josh's neck. he's sitting in josh's lap and his insides feels like fire.

he feels josh's hands rub his back softly, he can't help but shudder at the touch. at his reaction the hand on his back stops. he has to bite his lips to not whine at the loss of contact. 

he feels josh's throat work under his non-burned cheek, he already knows josh is gonna ask him if he's okay and comfortable. josh is so sweet. 

"i'm sorry, i should have asked before doing that. are you-" 

"i'm okay, please keep going, it feels nice." he whispers it softly against josh's neck, watching in fascination as goosebumps erupt all over his skin.

a weird urge to kiss josh's neck appears in his head. he closes his eyes as hard as he can, he's not allowed to think like that. 

josh's hands are on his back again. he can't help the sigh that escapes his mouth, it's been so long since someone touched him like this; he feels like he's on fire. the weird feeling he feels every time josh is looking at him is back in his chest. he's burning and he loves it, even if he knows he shouldn't be feeling like that. 

he closes his eyes and dreams about kissing josh's neck. 

*

he wakes up in the middle of the night, confused. it takes him a few seconds to remember he's at josh house, in josh's arms. 

oh. 

he's laying on top of josh, his head on josh's chest and josh's arms around his waist. josh is asleep, snoring a little. he just lays there, watching josh sleep and daydreaming about a world where he could have the chance of waking up every day next to josh.

he lets himself live in this moment. josh is beautiful, so sweet and so safe. 

the realisation of his strong feelings for josh takes over his ribcage, heart beating out of his chest. 

as he watches josh sleep, he tells himself that he has the right to be happy and comfortable; he will love it if it was with josh. 

*

josh wakes up an hour later. he doesn't pretend to be asleep when josh opens his pretty eyes and yawns.

he doesn't know how to explain it but he feels way more comfortable with josh since his epiphany. he asks himself if he should voice it to josh. 

"hello there, sleepyhead." josh's voice is raspy from sleep. he shudders when josh's hands start moving on his back again. "how are you?"

he smiles shyly at josh. "i'm doing good. thank you so much for yesterday. i'm sorry i freaked out that hard."

josh keeps on rubbing his back. he closes his eyes. 

"don't worry, it's okay. yesterday was a big day and you did so good. i'm so proud of you." a pause. "you're so much stronger and more beautiful than you know." josh said this last bit so softy, he probably wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't drowning himself in josh's voice every time he talks. 

he can feel his body heat up. he knows that from this angle, josh can see his face clear as day, but somehow he doesn't care. he smiles, a real smile. 

josh laughs a little. "your bottom teeth are crooked. it's honestly adorable." 

he buries his face against josh's chest to stifle his giggle. for a moment he forgets that a part of his face is burned, he forgets about the burn marks littering his skin. there against josh's chest, he's tyler. and that's the best feeling in the world. 

*

he goes back to his apartment to get ready to go to his first day at work. he can't believe that's a sentence he's able to say now, it feels good. 

he already misses josh.

josh told him he could come by anytime he wanted, his door was always open for him. he tried his hardest not to cry and curl up in josh's arms. 

with a head full of dreams and his hood protecting him, he's going to his first day at work. 

he smiles. 

*

his first day was not so bad, he answered the phone and wrote all the appointments down on ashley's blue calendar. 

she's so nice to him, always understanding when it's too much for him to be social with clients. people are respectful too; a barely legal kid came in trying to get a tattoo without his ID and said his face was hella cool. 

he doesn't feel cool but it makes him smile a little.

he's sitting next to ashley, she's nice enough to let him watch her tattoo other people when they agree to it. the shop is small and he can hear the phone from here. 

"you should do something with your face, like something inspirational," the dude she's tattooing says. he's probably in his early 40 and has more tattoos than he can count. 

"sorry, what?" he stares while ashley keeps focus on her work.

"you seem young, don't you use youtube? teenagers love that shit. maybe you could do something inspiring. share your life story, make teenagers weep and identify with you. maybe some of them have scars too." a pause "with a face like that, your voice could be heard." 

he's stunned, he doesn't really know what to say. he's just sitting there, mouth open, not really processing what this dude he didn't even know just told him. 

"leave him alone, brent," ashley says. he can see her rolling her eyes. 

the phone rings, he almost runs to it. 

he doesn't go back. he stays in his chair, staring off into space, wondering what inspirational things he could do with his face. 

a few hours later, the man leaves and says bye to him on his way out. he doesn't answer. 

"don't mind him, he's kind of a douche most of the time. don't take what he said to heart, tyler," she says as she takes her gloves off. "he probably said it with good intentions, but don't let it eat away at your brain, okay?" 

he nods, he knows the words will haunt him for a long time, he doesn't really know how to feel about it. 

"that was your last appointment of the day."

"that's cool, i'm gonna stay a bit to clean up the shop, but you can go home. thank you so much tyler, you're doing good. i will see you tomorrow."

"yeah, see you tomorrow." 

*

when he's in his apartment complex, his first instinct is to see josh. it's about 8pm and he knows josh's shift at the store is over. he debates whether it's appropriate or not to come knocking on josh's door at this hour. 

he ends up knocking on josh's door anyway. 

"tyler! how was your first day?" 

josh gestures for him to come in. 

"it was okay, i guess. someone said something though and i can't stop thinking about it."

he goes straight for the couch. he puts his knees against his chest and it starts to feel casual.

josh sits a little closer to him and frowns. "what is it about?"

josh's hands twitch next to his legs. he tries not to show his disappointment when josh doesn't touch him. 

"this dude came in for a tattoo and saw my face and he said something to me. i can't stop thinking about it. it wasn't something mean, he just said that with a face like i have, my voice could be heard. he talked about how i could make a YouTube channel to share my story or something. it won't leave my head."

when he looks up, josh looks at him, pensive. 

"i mean, is this something you want to do?" 

he shakes his head. "i don't really know, i don't feel like i'm comfortable enough just yet… maybe one day, but not now. it hurts too much now, but i can feel myself getting better." 

josh's eyes are the most beautiful things he's ever saw in his life; they're like lights guiding him through the dark. 

josh shrugs. "maybe that's something that can help you get through it, like a purpose or something."

he smiles, josh smiles back, his tongue between his teeth. he feels like he's falling. 

he's so overwhelmed by the feeling taking place in his chest again. he wants to feel close to josh again, it's a need taking over his body. 

"do you think we could hold hands?" the words are out before he can even think about it. he sounds so frail, it's exactly how he feels like. 

josh's eyes light up, he smiles even bigger than before. 

"i would love to, tyler." 

josh's hand is so much bigger than his, it fits perfectly. 

josh caress his hand with his thumb. he feels every bumps and scars on his skin. he lets josh feel everything. he's so tender and soft about, feather like heart, but it feels like josh is touching him with his heart. 

he closes his eyes, feeling his body become warm, and relaxes under josh's touch. 

he gasps loudly when he feels josh's lips against one of the biggest scars on his hand. it's so soft and safe. 

josh's mouth is open, an apology probably waiting on his lips. 

he opens his eyes and looks at josh. "i'm okay, don't be sorry. i love it, please keep going." his voice wavers with all the emotion he's holding in.

josh spread kisses all over his hand, each more tender than the other. he has tears in his chest with how overwhelmed he is. it's the good kind of overwhelming though, the kind of overwhelming that makes him want to never stop feeling josh's lips on his hand. 

he laughs slightly when josh intertwines their fingers together. 

"how are you feeling?" josh's voice is barely a whisper. 

"warm and safe," he whispers back while getting closer to josh. 

"i'm glad, you deserve to feel safe." 

he sighs happily, sitting in josh's lap, his head buried in the crook of josh's neck; like yesterday, the only addition being their fingers intertwined between their chests. 

"can i sleep here again, please?" he whispers against josh neck. 

"yeah of course. we can sleep in my bed if you want, it's more comfy."

the way josh said they both could sleep in his bed instead of telling him to sleep on the couch makes his heart catch fire. 

"yeah, i'm okay with that." 

they both smile like idiots. he feels safe here. 

he thinks about taking off his hood. the thought makes him kind of anxious but he feels so safe with josh that he want to try it out. 

"josh, i want to try something but i'm scared of freaking out," he blurts out the words fast, maybe too fast. 

"don't force yourself to do anything you're uncomfortable with for me, tyler. but if you really want to try, i promise I will support you and do everything i can to make you feel safe again if you freak out."

for a second he thinks that he loves josh. 

he takes his head out of josh's neck and faces him. he looks josh in the eyes when he lets go of josh's hands and put it on his hood, unmoving, just resting there for now. josh seems to understand what he's planning to do, something pure flashing inside his eyes. somehow it gives him courage.

his hands are trembling when he finally slips his hood off, feeling exposed in a way he's never felt before. josh starts crying in front of him, taking both of them by surprise. josh holds him tighter and they both cry and let themselves go for a second. 

tonight he sleeps without his hood, against josh's chest. josh's head is on the back of his neck where he presses a kiss against one of his scars before sleeping. it's the best sleep he's had in a long time. 

*

a week after, he calls his mother. 

she says that he sounds more joyful than before. he says that he has a job now. he says that he's alive.

they both cry. 

he sleeps every night at josh's house, without his hood, against his chest. he gets a kiss on the scar on the back of his neck before they both fall asleep. 

he wants to kiss josh so bad and he can see in josh's eyes that he wants it too. 

*

one night when they're cuddled next to each other on the couch, josh tells him he should move in with him since he's never at his apartment anymore. 

he looks at josh and smiles. "i would love to, josh."

they both giggle happily. 

*

on the first night of josh's apartment being officially theirs, he decides he wants to make it big. he asks ashley for permission to leave work early. she gladly gives it to him and tells him to have fun on his date with josh. he rolls his eyes but doesn't contradict her. 

he cooks something for the first time in ages and tries to make the atmosphere as romantic as possible with some candles. he dresses up a little, wearing a short sleeved button up shirt and some black pants. 

when josh gets back from work, he's surprised, to say the least. 

"did you turn into a housewife while i was gone?"

he giggles slightly. 

"i just wanted to do something good for you, to tell you 'thank you' for everything."

josh's eyes softened at that. "you don't need to do anything to show how thankful you are."

"i know, but i really wanted to."

they both smile.

*

turns out he's not as bad at cooking as he thought. josh praises his cooking skills throughout the whole dinner, his body heating up each time. 

they joke and laugh about stuff and have some meaningful conversation while eating. it feels so good, he feels like he's happy. 

when they go to bed that night, he turns to face josh before he can place a kiss on the back of his neck. 

they look at each other for a long while, their eyes speaking all the feelings they're holding in their chests.

"i want to try something again, josh," he whispers. 

"i will make you feel safe again if you freak out," josh whispers back. 

he smiles. he puts a hand on josh's cheek and gets closer to him. he caress josh's cheek bones lightly. josh closes his eyes.

he finally gather the courage to press his lips against josh. josh jumps a bit but recovers fast and presses his lips back. 

josh's lips are so soft and warm, he sighs against them. feeling bolder, he flicks his tongue against josh's lips. josh, who gladly opens his lips, can't help the moan that escapes and the full body shudder that takes over him when their tongues meet for the first time.

josh holds him closer and tighter. he nearly cries at how good he feels. 

when they pull apart, he has tears in his eyes. josh smiles at him and pecks him on the lips. 

"i love you," he whispers. 

"i love you too," josh whispers back. 

they cry and kiss before falling asleep all tangled up against each other with smiles on their faces. 

*

two months later, tyler feels more comfortable in his own skin. he gets out of the house without his hood more and more. he's still not fully there yet but he's so much happier. 

josh is always at his side, making him feel safe and protected.

they're giggling and messing around in this shop where they sell music and vintage cameras. 

tyler's eyes fall on this camera, it's not too vintage and has really good video quality. he looks at josh and beams. josh kisses his forehead.

they go home with the camera. 

*

"josh, will you help me record videos and stuff?"

"i would love to, tyler." 

they smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna miss it so much, tell me what do you think?


End file.
